The
actual planning starts during the child’s sophomore year when the
mother of the graduate states to the father of the graduate, “Honey, we
need a new kitchen before (place name of child here) graduates.”
Catching the father unaware that their child is even in high school, the
father’s response is usually, “Huh?”
Now,
let it be known that us fathers have been warned but have no idea that
the kitchen is just the start of the remodeling that will take place or
need to take place prior to having a four-hour graduation party. Not
since the three-hour tour from “Gilligan’s Island” has a couple of hours
led to so many years.
Once
the kitchen is done, then the living room, den, child’s room, garage
(what if it rains?), and we have not even gotten to the landscaping or
the extra room/mud room that will need to be put in.
Now
being the good husbands we are, we have patiently waited until November
of (insert child’s name here) senior year to get started on these
projects because there were always 18 other things to do around the
house instead. But now with six months until graduation we need to.
Many
of us pick B thinking that we can save money, or being a man, want to
show our wives how handy we are. Somewhere between picking B and early
March, many men learn that their wives are brighter than they thought
and that they themselves are not Bob Villa, but more like Tim the Tool
Man.
Now
it is up to us men to pull off the impossible: find a contractor,
landscape person, electrician and plumber to finish the 12 half projects
that we, with the help of “Building Stuff for Dummies” type books and a
sister-in-law’s boyfriend, whom I had thought was a plumber type,
started.
Getting
a hold of all of these experts is never a problem. Getting them to come
to your home is. First, you need to be persistent and call them and
state how your marriage is on the line and that graduation remodeling is
the most important thing in the universe. Second, contractors like
money, so go back to A. Once you have done this your worries can take a
brief time out.
Honey,
(I did say brief) make sure that (insert child who will graduate) has
enough money for senior skip day, senior T-shirt day, senior trip day,
senior go somewhere with all of the other seniors day, sports, band,
math club, did I say senior T-shirt day?
OK,
now with the other three pennies that you own, it is time to find a
rich uncle or borrow it from your child (they have more money than you
do because you are paying for everything). OK just kidding, but if you
do have a rich uncle, now is a great time to be nice to him.
Honey,
will you go buy a really nice digital camera and also a video camera or
a cool combo of the two would really be nice because, well (this will
be the 1,374th time you have heard this) this is the only time that
(insert graduate’s name) will be graduating. This saying and then the
guilt that comes with it is really what has got you to spend so much
money in the first place, so we go and buy a nice camera.
Graduation
is here, and the pomp and circumstance and all the picture-taking is
taking place. You see your graduate get the diploma that they have
worked so hard for, and you get all misty and a tear comes to your eye,
but you fight it off by thinking of the bills. And then your graduate
comes up to you, hugs you and tells you they love you and the dam breaks
and you start to cry and all the work you have done seems well worth
it.
On
the way home to your graduation party, your wife turns to you and
states, “I love you,” and then grabs your hand to squeeze it — this is
nice — but you wonder to yourself, does she need more money for
something else, or is this a true moment of love shared between two
people because their child has just become a grown-up? The thought
quickly passes because a raindrop has hit your windshield, and you both
freeze and look at the storm clouds to the west that are now aiming
directly at your remodeled three-year project.
You
quickly say a few prayers to turn the rain clouds away, but it is
inevitable. It is going to storm, and guess what? There is not one thing
you can do about it. As a father, you tell everyone that it is OK, and
you do whatever you can to make the best of it. (You also go grab a beer
in the garage fridge — your secret stash) and drink it down.
The
rain or snow (crazy, but you never know) pours down, but guess what? It
does not ruin your party because after all of the planning, organizing,
remodeling, card sending and money spending you have done. What really
matters is your family is all there, and the love is all there and a
little rain will never put a damper on your graduation plans, because as
a family, you love each other and that, among all the food, drinks,
balloons and people, is what shines through the most to your guests.
First,
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