We
begin with a sneak peek of what is about to happen in 30 seconds from
now, and then move on to what is actually happening, although since it's
all pre-recorded I guess we begin with some things happening, then
happening again almost immediately.
Anyway,
what happens is that previously eliminated teams are told to go to an
address in Sydney. "What is going on?" they all ask, baffled why MKR
producers would instruct them to go to a restaurant C while being filmed
by an MKR camera crew C where they meet fellow MKR teams.We have a wide
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choose from for your storage needs. It is a bizarre, Angela
Lansbury-esque mystery, and the teams stand around for a while doing
their best impressions of a group of people with the collective IQ of an
artichoke.
The
teams who've shown up are Angela and Melina, the "real housewives" who
never actually cooked anything before they were on TV; Kieran and
Nastassia, the "food nerds" who have to look up "food" in a dictionary;
Mick and Matt, the father and son who are both actually Jerry Lewis; and
Ali and Samuel, who continue their blighted tale of hopeless unrequited
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Suddenly
into the room strides the tall, dark figure of Colin "the worst
Irishman in history" Fassnidge, who is taking charge of tonight's
episode due to viewer feedback indicating that we like to see failure
punished in cruel and unusual ways.
"Seeing
Colin walk in, I am clueless about what's going to happen," says
Samuel, apparently thinking he might be about to be murdered or
kidnapped by greedy flying monkeys.An experienced artist on what to
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In a bolt from the blue, however, Colin surprisingly tells them that
they are actually to cook off for a chance to re-enter the competition.
Their challenge is to design and cook a two-course menu, and Mick and
Matt are stunned that after being flown from Tasmania by a TV show
they've already been on, they are suddenly being pitched into the
situation of having to engage in that TV show with no warning.
After
the cook-off, the three best teams will then cook for paying customers
in Colin's restaurant, because this is a two-hour episode and otherwise
they might have to fall back on some kind of pointless filler. All the
teams immediately rush to the kitchen, which becomes somewhat crowded.
"I've literally got no space," lies Kieran. "How are we gonna do this?"
says Angela, pretending that she won't be able to do it has something to
do with the lack of space.
Melina
is really excited about their menu, but is a little worried about
Angela's croquembouche. Melina has obviously seen MasterChef, where even
people who CAN cook find croquembouches difficult.
We
cut to Kieran describing in detail how he will marinate his tomatoes,
in case we didn't already think he was boring enough.A group of families
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in a landmark case. "Normally, we'd put it in the fridge for two hours,
but we don't have two hours," he says, so he decides to make a
different dish that doesn't require such an impossible timeframe. Ha ha,
just joking, he decides to bung it in the freezer and go what the hell.
Meanwhile,
Colin continues to yell, "This is Comeback Kitchen", trying his best to
make people believe that's a real thing. Ali and Samuel are making pork
belly and sorbet, and are hoping to impress Colin. Fat chance!
Samuel explains that the first thing he does with the pork belly is get it ready to cook. This handy hint is invaluable.
Elsewhere,
Mick is skinning a fish with a disturbingly erotic sense of excitement,
while reminiscing about the time he emotionally abused his son on
national television. "We're working really well together today," squeaks
Matt, his eyes pleading, daddy, love me again.
Colin
yells at Ali and Samuel to hurry up. It's not surprising given how
often they keep leaving the kitchen to talk to the camera.
Nastassia
is happy with her cake mixture, but less happy with Kieran. As he
stands at the bench, obsessively chopping things into tiny pieces, the
true extent of his personality disorder becomes clear. "I can't afford
to let the pressure get to me," he says like a man who knows full well
he is soon going to be single.
Other
teams have bigger problems though, as Mick only just fails with his
attempt to surreptitiously hit Angela over the head with a frypan, and
Angela begins to worry that the oven won't be ready for her
profiteroles, leading Samuel to coin the phrase "croquemdouches",
automatically becoming one. Colin settles the oven dispute by ordering
Angela to put her profiteroles in with the other team's dish, at a lower
temperature, despite Angela's insistence that she needs 200 degrees and
the fairly offensive impression of Colin she proceeds to perform,
overlooking the fact that he is a successful professional chef, while
she is a woman who can barely toast an English muffin without causing a
salmonella outbreak.
As
Melina struts about the kitchen waggling an enormous knife, the teams
take it in turns to explain how this is a chance to get back in the
competition, and how they would quite like that. Samuel treats the
kitchen to a dissertation on how he wants to make polenta better than he
made before and how it is important it is better, and thinks that if
this polenta isn't good it won't be very good for him as the maker.
Colin tells him to shut up, and a grateful nation thanks him.
Mick
isn't really worried about timing, because he hasn't been paying any
attention. "It's going to be lovely to have people eat our food," he
says, setting the bar remarkably low. Speaking of low bars, Ali's sorbet
hasn't set, Samuel's slowness having rubbed off on it.
Kieran
and Nastassia must now rub the herbs off their fillet, after Colin
tells them that frying meat with herbs on it will cause the herbs to
burn. Kieran and Nastassia have made this dish hundreds of times without
worrying about pyrotechnics, but they obey out of fear.
Colin's
reign of terror isn't restricted to the nerds though: Angela also feels
his wrath, as she objects to being forced to say, "Yes, chef" for no
better reason than responding to someone who is a chef. To be fair,
Colin is a horrible man, but to be even fairer, he is being rushed off
his feet by the need to keep telling four teams at once how inept they
are.
Angela
panics as her raw profiteroles and bitches some more about the
necessity to share ovens. She moves them to a hotter oven and orders
everyone not to open it. Kieran immediately opens it, infuriating
Angela, who doesn't see any reason why Kieran shouldn't just let his
food burn to a crisp.
The
saga of Angela's burgeoning oven fascism ends abruptly, however, when
Kieran and Nastassia outdo themselves in the field of stuffing up. Their
pudding is uncooked and collapsing like their dreams, and Colin stares
at Nastassia as if she's just revealed that she's going to order out for
pizza. She tries to make more puddings, sighing, "We did our best", as
if that wasn't the most depressing part. As it happens, their beef is
also uncooked, and Kieran has forgotten about the tomatoes in the
freezer, which have overstayed their welcome. Kieran explains his
cunning plan to make a two-hour dish in 90 minutes to Colin, who is less
than impressed with the nerds' attempts to manipulate the space-time
continuum.
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